5 Reasons Newborns Suck

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I love babies. Really there is little more magical than feeling their soft little head under your cheek or their tiny little fingers wrapped around yours, but I’m convinced that newborns are bundles of cute for a more sinister reason.

Because they suck.

1. Newborns Have No Chill

How a tiny human can be happily cooing, drooling, and pooting away one second and then screaming the primal cries of ultimate betrayal the next, I’ll never understand, but it’s apparently totally possible, and newborns do, in fact, possess this unique skill.

2. Eat, Sleep, Poop, Repeat

During their first few weeks of life, babies are tiny balls of wrinkly skin slowly sucking the life out of you, and I don’t even need science to prove it. They literally suck magical baby growing juice from your breasts, interrupt sleep better than a CIA interrogator, and then poop all over every stitch of clothing (theirs AND yours) so that you’re either using every spare moment to wash laundry or saying fuck it and hanging out in diapers all day. #noshame

3. Why are you crying?!

Seriously, why are you crying? 

I have genuinely found myself asking my baby this on multiple occasions. We sit on the bed together staring at each other hopelessly. She cries. I cry. Neither one of us knows what’s going on. Good times.

4. All Sleep and No Rest

18 hours of sleep a day sounds great when you’re reading about it during pregnancy. Then the demon spawn is born, and you realize that 18 hours divided into irregular and impossibly small increments with an hour of painful breastfeeding in between feels like nothing… nothing wrapped in nipple pain, dipped in hunger, and shrouded in the fog you now call daily life.

5. Pouch Animals

I’m convinced human babies were meant to be born to moms with pouches, only Mother Nature forgot to give me one with a hole. Sure, I’ve got a pouch alright, thanks to this perfectly infant sized belly of loose skin, but sadly, no matter how hard she tries my fussy newborn can’t squirm her way in.

I think in my next reincarnation, I’d like to come back as a kangaroo. Then I could give birth to a baby so small I won’t even feel it, make it do all the work to get to my boob, and, when I’ve had enough for the day, yell, “Get in my belly!”

Yup. That’ll be the plan for my next go ’round.

In the mean time, I’ll be here huffing the top of my newborn’s head and praying I make it to the 10 month sleep regression alive.

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Comments

  1. Pingback: Top Mom Blog Posts: The Best of List | Mom Goes Mental

    • Sarah Hayes
    • December 16, 2017
    Reply

    but why do i miss this stage so much! maybe bc there was no back-talk then 😉

      • Tiffany | Mom Goes Mental
      • December 16, 2017

      Too true! haha

    • Lauren Admire
    • December 15, 2017
    Reply

    So true!

    • Kristi
    • December 13, 2017
    Reply

    Awww, the good old days indeed. Mines is 20. Lol.

  2. Reply

    I remember those days when I gave birth to my son his 3 months was so chill then after 2 months the I feel the real struggle and glad I passes the stage and now he’s 3 years old

    • Gabrielle
    • December 11, 2017
    Reply

    I cracked up over this. Thanks for giving me much needed laughter on a grey, dismal day.

    • Keely
    • December 11, 2017
    Reply

    OMG yes I un-apologetically hate the newborn phase, but love finding another mama who is willing to stand up and say it too! ALL things mom and mental health going on at my site too (www.thementalhealthmom.com). Thank you for the share. 🙂

      • Tiffany | Mom Goes Mental
      • December 11, 2017

      Cheers to us! I love the snuggles and that newborn smell for sure, but give me a crawling baby to chase around any day.

  3. Reply

    Wow your writing had me lol-ing from the get-go! I don’t know if you intend to do so, but you should write a book, sincerely! 🙂

      • Tiffany | Mom Goes Mental
      • December 11, 2017

      Thank you so much! I’m glad I was able to give you a good laugh ????

  4. Reply

    HAHA this is awesome. I tell people all the time that ‘babies are gross’. It’s true. They are. I mean, I LOVE THOSE GROSS BABIES. But ew. LOL
    Followed you. I like your style. 🙂

      • Tiffany | Mom Goes Mental
      • December 11, 2017

      So true! And welcome aboard!

  5. Reply

    Haha I can just picture us with kangaroo pouches! Lol

      • Tiffany | Mom Goes Mental
      • December 10, 2017

      Wouldn’t it be awesome? ????

    • Kim
    • December 9, 2017
    Reply

    I’m so thankful to have pretty chill babies!

  6. Reply

    I remember these days. The lump stage can be difficult. I do miss the snuggles although the sleep is nice.

    • Lisa R
    • December 8, 2017
    Reply

    Thankfully my nephew is pretty chill!

  7. Reply

    I look after a three month old and he’s perfect…until he’s hungry or gassy or sleepy or wants something! It’s so frustrating that they can not communicate clearly but one day they will!

      • Tiffany | Mom Goes Mental
      • December 8, 2017

      You’re so right! I teach my babies a few signs that make it easier for them to communicate early, too. Eat, play, sleepy, and milk are the most valuable ones!

    • Amelia Bayless
    • December 7, 2017
    Reply

    Haha! The kangaroo thing cracked me up.

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